The Lock-and-Key Relationship of Narcissistic Abuse and Codependency

Narcissistic abuse/codependency
Written By Jessica Viscomi

“Narcissistic abuse” and “codependency” are terms that have become increasingly popular in the public sphere. You may have seen a YouTube video talking about healing from narcissistic abuse or overheard a colleague describe themselves as being in codependency recovery.

Or perhaps you’ve wondered about how these dynamics may have shown up in your own life. Maybe you’ve felt concerned about a past fling that started out white-hot but then painfully crashed and burned, or your tenuous relationship with a family member.

At our physiological core, we humans are pack animals wired for relationship to maintain our survival. Because our relationships are so intertwined with our survival, the discord caused by narcissistic abuse and codependency can have a major negative impact on physical, mental, and spiritual health.

In order to better understand the impact that narcissistic abuse and codependency can have, let’s first take a closer look at the definition of each. Then, we’ll take a deeper dive into how narcissistic abuse and codependency often fit together like a lock and key in relationships.

What is narcissistic abuse, really?

(Trigger warning: descriptions of emotionally abusive behaviors, as well as brief mention of physical, sexual, and financial abuse.)

Narcissistic abuse generally refers to emotional abuse, although it may also escalate to physical, sexual, or financial abuse. (The word “narcissistic” comes from the narcissistic personality trait associated with people who tend to enact narcissistic abuse.)

The narcissistic trait is marked by a lack of empathy for others’ feelings, boundaries, and needs, as well a tendency to manipulate and exploit others for personal gain. There is also a strong element of power and control in narcissistic abuse dynamics.

In a narcissistically abusive relationship, one might be on the receiving end of manipulative behaviors such as:

  • Lovebombing: Being showered with attention, idealization, and compliments 

  • Negging: Receiving passive-aggressive insults, often disguised as “jokes”

  • Blameshifting: Being blamed for the other person’s behaviors

  • Gaslighting: Being told thoughts, observations, and feelings are wrong, “crazy,” bad, selfish, etc.

“If others couldn’t love us, or love us in ways that worked, that’s not our fault…. we’re learning to take responsibility for our healing, regardless of the people around us.”

—MELODY BEATTIE 

These manipulative behaviors are designed to amplify the perpetrator’s power and control in the relationship. They’re also engineered to weaken the other person’s self-esteem, trust in their feelings, and sense of self. This can result in feeling so emotionally depleted, it’s difficult to find the strength or resolve to leave the situation.

These psychologically abusive behaviors may simmer on low for long periods of time, or they may escalate into more intense abusive behaviors, including:

  • Put-downs, name-calling, or criticisms

  • Yelling or screaming

  • Threatening to cause physical harm, destroy something important, or abandon

  • Withholding love, affection, sex, and attention

  • Isolating the other person from family, friends, etc.

  • Violating privacy (going through text messages, spying on email, etc.)

  • Controlling behaviors (e.g., controlling routines or how often a person can contact others)

 

Because our relationships are so intertwined with our survival, the discord caused by narcissistic abuse and codependency can have a major negative impact on physical, mental, and spiritual health.

Codependency explained further

The term “codependency” originally comes from the recovery community. It gained traction in the 1980s, when researchers observed that the relationships between people struggling with addiction and their partners or family members were often imbalanced, and a pattern of enabling was often present.

Nowadays, “codependency” has evolved to describe any relationship dynamic that has this lopsided, enabling quality, even if addiction is not present. While the idea of codependent behavior is still debated in some psychology circles, today is it is generally understood as the following:

  • Being consumed with and/or overly dependent on another person in a way that is not healthy and/or

  • Denying one’s own wants, needs, and boundaries in exchange for love, approval, and validation

Certain family-of-origin dynamics tend to set the stage for codependent relationship patterns later in life. Typically, in such families, it was not safe to feel and express pain, fear, anger, and shame in way that felt healthy, seen, and supported. Over time, family members may have learned strategies to keep these feelings under wraps, such as denial, distraction, and avoidance.

In these families, a great deal of energy and attention were likely given to the family member who was most outwardly struggling (for example, with anger, addiction, or mental health issues). Therefore, the other family members tended to become disconnected from their boundaries, needs, inner strength, and sense of self—all codependency symptoms. When people habitually neglect to turn their focus inward, even when it’s necessary, this disconnection becomes even further ingrained.

“There’s a fair number of good days, good moments, and the more of those there are, no matter how bad the bad moments are…that makes it really, really hard to leave.”

—RAMANI DURVASULA, PH.D.

 

The “lock and key” connection between narcissistic abuse and codependency 

According to the CPTSD Foundation, “People with codependency sometimes form relationships with [people with narcissism] and they develop complementary roles. The [person with codependency] has found a person they can pour themselves into and the [person with narcissism] has found someone who will always put them first.”¹

In other words, a person with codependent tendencies can become infatuated with, enable, and center a person with narcissistic tendencies to the detriment of their own well-being. By nature, the person with narcissistic tendencies benefits from this arrangement, as it meets their need to have power, control, undivided attention, and primacy in the relationship.

When the narcissistic abuse gets underway, a person with codependent tendencies will often struggle to identify and voice their feelings, boundaries, and needs. They will also often distract themselves from their own feelings by overfocusing on the person with narcissistic traits. The needs and desires of each party in the relationship interlock in an ultimately destructive way that can feel like a train heading fast to nowhere—or, at the very least, a very painful destination.

Summary

Narcissistic abuse and codependency often go hand in hand, as a person with narcissistic traits and a person with codependent traits can easily become magnetized to one another. Therefore, if you suspect that you’ve been on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse, it’s crucial to learn to recognize the signs of both narcissistic abuse and codependency. Working with a therapist specializing in narcissistic abuse and codependency recovery can provide the necessary support to help you learn how to create healthier relationships with self and others going forward.

Jessica Viscomi
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