There’s Passive-Aggressive and Then There’s Passive-Coercive: A Mindful Guide to Dealing with Covert Manipulation
[Trigger warning: Discussion of manipulative behavior and emotional abuse; brief mention of physical, sexual, and financial abuse]
When Anu* received her medication in the mail, she was disappointed that Dr. Moreland’s office had made a mistake: the prescription was for the wrong dosage. (Anu had used that higher dosage before and discovered it was too strong. Dr. Moreland switched Anu to a lower dosage 2 months prior.)
Anu messaged Dr. Moreland about the dosage mistake and requested a new prescription for the correct lower dosage. “Sorry, my office is super understaffed right now, so we couldn’t even get around to this for another few weeks. The dosage you received in the mail is technically the correct dosage for adults. The one you wanted is a pediatric dosage anyway,” Dr. Moreland wrote back.
____
Jason* was nervous but excited to perform in his upcoming first piano recital. A few weeks before the recital, Jason’s piano teacher Jane* asked Jason to attend group rehearsals for the next two Monday evenings.
“I’d love to come but I work on Monday nights. I can see about requesting one Monday night off, but I won’t be able to take two Monday nights off in a row,” Jason said.
Jane replied: “I really want to challenge you here to commit fully to your craft. Serious piano students find a way to show up to rehearsals. Plus, there’s more to life than work, don’t you agree? Can you come to both rehearsals?”
____
Elena* was laid off from her job a few days ago. Feeling dejected and stressed, she called Patrick*, a man she met a week prior in a communication workshop, to make a raincheck for their first date. “I’ll do whatever you want. Just tell me how I can support you. How about we keep our plans, and I can help get your mind off it?” he asked her. Elena agreed; Patrick picked her up and brought her to a cafe.
At the café, Patrick slid next to her in the booth and asked, “Would you like to feel better? A hug can really help with stress.” “Um…,” she said, shrugging her shoulders. Patrick moved in for a hug that felt a little too intimate for someone she only met recently.
Elena finished her tea over the hour and told Patrick that she needed to go home so she could get some sleep. She had scheduled a coffee date early the next morning with her former colleague Renee, who offered to introduce Elena to contacts at Renee’s current company. “I’ll take you home whenever you want,” he said, before starting a long story about his college years.
Passive-coercion defined
Before reading any further, pause for a moment and take stock: What do you notice in your body and feelings after reading those anecdotes?
Hold on to those impressions—maybe even jot them down. (They’ll come in handy a little later in this blog post as we delve into the specific tactics used to sway Anu, Jason, and Elena.)
Maybe you’ve had experiences like the ones that Anu, Jason, and Elena did, where someone—usually but not always a person in a position of authority—uses some form of subtle but powerful manipulation to covertly coerce you to think, feel, and/or behave differently. Often, this coercion is designed to underhandedly influence one to:
Do something (e.g., come back)
Stop doing something (e.g., back off)
Yield or submit to a person or group (e.g., back down)
I refer to these manipulative tactics as passive-coercive behavior. Like passive-aggressive behavior, passive-coercion is subtle but insidious. However, passive-aggression and passive-coercion are different in their execution and end goals.
Passive-aggressiveness is a “sideways” way of expressing feelings like anger, hostility, or dissatisfaction. It allows someone to indirectly express their feelings without actually taking full ownership of or responsibility for effectively communicating them.¹
Passive-coercion, on the other hand, is behavior that is designed to subtly coerce or influence the behavior of another. Typically, the person or group responsible for the passive-coercive behavior is using passive-coercion to serve their own interests, often at the other party’s expense.
It’s important to note that passive-aggressiveness and passive-coercion can occur separately or together. Also, some behaviors such as invalidation can be both passive-aggressive and passive-coercive at the same time (more about invalidation in the Passive-Coercive Tactics table below).
As with all manipulative behaviors, passive-coercive behavior exists on a spectrum of severity and frequency. On the very low end, it can look like behavior that is slightly manipulative but generally well-intended, harmless, and rare in occurrence. For example: your significant other gives you an option of chocolate or strawberry ice cream at the grocery store but indicates with a wink that they’re hoping you pick chocolate.
On the more severe end, passive-coercive behavior can look like increasingly using insidious pressuring tactics that are harmful or have harmful consequences. Further, passive-coercive behavior can be an initial red flag in a relationship signaling the possibility for more overt and dangerous forms of manipulation to develop down the road, such as:
Narcissistic abuse: Emotional abuse marked by manipulation, exploitation, and misuse of power and control. It can escalate to physical, sexual, or financial abuse. (The word “narcissistic” comes from the narcissistic personality trait associated with people who tend to enact narcissistic abuse.)
Gaslighting: Intentionally undermining another person’s perception of reality, memories, beliefs, and sense of self.²
Coercive control: Strategically applying tactics to instill fear and achieve domination over another person, such as limiting access to money or isolating someone from their friends and family.³
Sexual coercion: A spectrum of behaviors spanning the use of verbal pressure, to drugs and alcohol, to physical force to have sexual contact with someone against their will.⁴
“Here’s the thing, though: you’re in charge of writing the instruction manual on you. That manual gets ‘read’ by everyone you encounter. If you feel disrespected, undervalued, or taken for granted, that simply means it’s time to rewrite your instruction manual, setting the bar higher for yourself and everyone else in the process.”
—TERRI COLE, MSW, LCSW
A few important things to note about passive-coercive behavior
Passive-coercive or passive-aggressive behavior doesn’t necessarily mean someone has narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder. The fact is, practically all of us at some point have used these behaviors. Moreover, they’re often modeled for us and normalized in the overculture.† The key is to look at:
Where the behavior is on the spectrum of severity and frequency
If a lock-and-key dynamic of narcissism and codependency is present
Whether we and the people in our lives are communicating with:
Clear intentions
Healthy assertiveness
Awareness of self and other
Mutual empowerment
Integrity
Respect
Healthy empathy
Consent-seeking
It can be difficult to recognize many forms of
manipulative behavior. Passive-coercive behavior by nature
can be particularly hard to recognize, especially for people
who are overcoming codependency or healing from narcissistic abuse.
This is why it’s important to learn to identify
and respond to passive-coercion effectively.
Take a look at the table of passive-coercive tactics below. First, which of these behaviors feel familiar? Which are less familiar? Next, quiz yourself: using the table for reference, jot down the accompanying letter for each of the passive-coercive behaviors you observed in each of the 3 stories from the beginning of the article. (Answers are below the table.)
Answers:
1. Anu: A, G, H, I
Description: Anu’s doctor dodges responsibility for correcting the prescription by making excuses, invalidates and trivializes Anu’s concerns, delays making the correction by claiming that their office is too understaffed to fulfill the request, and portrays Anu’s request as unnecessary or difficult to fulfill.
2. Jason: B, D, I
Description: Jason’s piano teacher Jane doesn’t take Jason’s “no” for an answer, uses verbal pressure in the form of condescending and shaming language and “Don’t you agree?” (which doesn’t leave much room for Jason to disagree), and repeats her request to Jason.
3. Elena: C, D, E, F, H, I, J
Description: Patrick’s words are incongruent with his actions. This serves a few purposes: to confuse and mislead Elena, as well as frame his desire to get closer to her as providing support to her during a vulnerable time. He asks questions but doesn’t wait for Elena’s answers. Instead, he gives her his desired answer, capitalizing on her difficulty asserting (and sticking to) her needs and boundaries. (These two behaviors of Elena’s exemplify some common codependency symptoms.) Patrick’s overly intimate hug is a form of nonverbal pressure itself. He also claims to honor her scheduling needs but ultimately delays taking action on her request to leave in a timely way. Elena sets the boundary of needing to leave early but doesn’t maintain it when Patrick oversteps her boundary with talkativeness.
How to deal with passive-coercive behavior
Learning how to recognize and address passive-coercive behavior—in yourself and others—is a process that takes time. The good news is that, with continued practice and support from trusted people in your life such as family, friends, and a therapist with expertise in codependency therapy, it is possible.
What’s more, learning how to communicate more effectively is an essential part of cultivating personal growth and emotional maturity—as well as forging healthier relationships. Improving communication skills goes two ways: a.) honing your communication skills with others to minimize using passive-coercive behaviors yourself and b.) learning how to effectively communicate to others when you feel that they are being passive-coercive.
The way that other people respond to you when you address the passive-coercive behavior can be an effective litmus test. Do they take in what you have to say? Do they respect your feelings, concerns, and boundaries? Or do they get defensive, withholding, or abusive? Do they even double down on the passive-coercive behavior more when they feel threatened by your challenging them? The other person’s response will give you important data to help inform your decision about whether—as Boundary Boss author Terri Cole MSW, LCSW, says—that person deserves a front-row seat in your life.⁵
Earlier in this post, you learned some of the tactics used in passive-coercive behavior. As a therapist specializing in codependency, here are my suggestions to identify and respond to passive-coercive behaviors skillfully:
1. Recognize: Take stock of your body, feelings, thoughts, and intuition.
2. Ground yourself: Notice your feet, tune into your breath, and/or take a brief look at your surroundings.
3. Note any discrepancy between their actions and words. (Sometimes it might require taking some time alone after the interaction to fully process the discrepancy.) Journaling or talking to a trusted friend or therapist can help you to process the interaction and formulate a plan for how to address it.
4. Take time if you need. You don’t have to give an immediate or response. You can come back to the conversation another time to give yourself time to reflect and prepare your response.
5. Ask the other party to clarify their feelings, thoughts, and intentions if it feels appropriate to do so.
6. Identify, set, and maintain your boundaries. This includes finding your “no.” Also, remember that “no” can be a complete sentence—explaining your “no” isn’t necessarily essential. Sometimes overexplaining a “no” can get the conversation off track and come across as apologizing for having a boundary.
7. Note that if someone has narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder, their ability to have a productive conversation may be limited. If the other party responds with more passive-aggression, passive-coercion, withholding, or threats, give yourself permission to end the conversation.
8. Prioritize safety. If you feel that you are in physical danger or if the interaction crosses the line emotionally and goes into unproductive, harmful territory, protect yourself. Remove yourself from the situation if necessary.
9. Acknowledge their stated desire and immediately follow it with “and” with your feeling, thought, or boundary. For example, “I know you’d like me to come visit, which sounds like fun—and please understand that I don’t have the financial or emotional bandwidth to do that right now.” From this point of clarity, you can navigate how to move forward with the other party. This can look like different things, such as figuring out a compromise or simply holding your “no” and letting the other person have their feelings about it without feeling the need to “fix” their disappointment, frustration, sadness, anger, etc.
10. Center consent, clarity, and respect in the conversation. The way you communicate can help to set the tone for how you’d like to be treated and steer the conversation toward a more transparent, productive direction.
11. Related to #9 above, learning Non-Violent Communication⁶ skills and studying models of consent (such as the Wheel of Consent⁷,⁸ from Betty Martin, DC, and the Consent Iceberg⁹—see References below for more info) can help build your toolbox of knowledge and skills to communicate more effectively and address passive-aggressive and passive-coercive behavior.
“How someone responds to your emotions and perceptions will indicate how much they respect you, how much they care about you and your feelings, how capable they are of empathy and intimacy, and how much they are trying to change or control you.”
—ADELYN BIRCH
Summary
Passive-coercion is behavior that is designed to subtly coerce or influence the behavior of another. As with all manipulative behaviors, the severity and frequency of passive-coercive behavior can range quite a bit. This type of manipulative behavior can be challenging to see in oneself and others, particularly for people who are recovering from a history of codependency or narcissistic abuse.
It’s critical to learn to identify and respond to passive-coercion effectively, as failing to address it can result in unhealthy relationship dynamics and unvoiced resentment. Learning how to recognize and address passive-coercive behavior—in yourself and others—is a process best embarked on with support.
Ultimately, learning how to communicate more effectively is an important life skill that will serve you in many ways, including but not limited to keeping passive-coerciveness in check. As a therapist specializing in codependency therapy and narcissistic abuse recovery, I believe in the power of humbly continuing to work on our communication skills over the course of our lives. Embracing learning to communicate with clarity and integrity—and surrounding ourselves with people who have the capacity to reciprocate—are both essential to personal growth and healthier relationships.
*Note: The people and events depicted in this blog post are fictional and for illustrative purposes only.
†”Overculture” is psychoanalyst and author Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Ph.D.’s term for “the grid that…slams down or sometimes subversively dreams down over the spirits and souls of human beings...in order to diminish them, set them into matchboxes, exhort them to behave, or else.”
References
99+ passive-aggressive communication examples. https://www.examples.com/english/passive-aggressive-communication.html. Updated January 21, 2025. Accessed May 3, 2025.
Psychology Today. Gaslighting. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/gaslighting. Accessed May 3, 2025.
Lamothe C. How to recognize coercive control. Healthline website. https://www.healthline.com/health/coercive-control. Published October 10, 2019. Accessed May 3, 2025.
A closer look at sexual coercion. National Domestic Violence Hotline website. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/a-closer-look-at-sexual-coercion/. Accessed May 3, 2025.
Cole T. Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free. Sounds True; 2021.
The Center for Nonviolent Communication website. https://www.cnvc.org/membership?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=20325594859&gbraid=0AAAAAp3Ru3JrBawy-ICOLs1tWVeaDXXEf&gclid=Cj0KCQjw_dbABhC5ARIsAAh2Z-SCGN1nXeKk4ITegAys1aTGihug5ldkT97MaMRnKhehOVLCm22PG4YaAsqSEALw_wcB. Accessed May 3, 2025.
Martin B, Dalzen R. The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent. Luminare Press; 2021.
Ratson M. Boundaries and the Wheel of Consent. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-wisdom-of-anger/202408/boundaries-and-the-wheel-of-consent. Updated August 7, 2024. Accessed May 3, 2025.
The Consent Iceberg: personal & social impacts of power. https://nscs.learnridge.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/07/Consent-Iceberg.pdf. Accessed May 3, 2025.
Birch A. 30 Emotional Manipulation Tactics: How Manipulators Take Control in Personal Relationships. CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform; 2015.